Do you ever get the feeling that nothing matters? Like you're just going through the motions of a routine and you do it out of habit. Waking up every morning to go to work and drone your day away in an office, then rushing through your nightly commitments before finally finding a moment for yourself, only to realize that you should have gone to bed already or you'll be tired the next morning when the loop of your life resets at the alarm buzzer. Sometimes I feel like I'm in a play, I smile and say good morning to my co-workers, make the obligatory sounds and faces when they're relaying information to me, be sure to be entertaining while maintaining an employee-of-the-month gusto for the work, react as is expected. And then I leave work and play other roles, suited to each individual I encounter. When I'm waiting in line at the cashier I watch how the person is working, what they're wearing, what they're saying, how they're saying it, their expressions, the sense I get from them, so that when it's my turn to interact with them I can make the transaction go smoothly, fall into their groove, then waft away. I connect briefly with the person, and as soon as I turn away I fall back into blankness, nothing is there. Make a phone call, play a part, hang up the phone, move on to the next task. What is the next emotion I am supposed to feel? What is the next thing I'm supposed to say? Who's joke do I have to laugh at? What lie to I have to tell? Everything I encounter gives me an answer. What is the result? I look at things for a long time, I stand innocently looking at food processors while listening to two middle aged women agonize over whether one of their husbands would approve if they bought a toaster instead of a toaster oven, I pause to take note of insignificant things. Like an observer who is so far removed that I'm examining people and things like they're false, like a reality that isn't mine. Want to know something funny? My boss was telling me about how smoothly I've integrated at my new job, she said that when she checked my references they all had great things to say but that the most consistent thing she heard was about how great I am with people. I thanked her of course, because that's what the situation called for, but all I could think was how easy it was to play the different roles required to make everyone feel like you're on their side. The irony my boss doesn't know, is that I actually hate people. Pretty much all people. Hate them. A few I loathe, but otherwise just run of the mill hate will do. It's a sad state of affairs when you find out that one of your most valuable qualities is nothing but a bit character in a script you read daily. Nobody sees anything real anymore, they only see what they want they see. I work on the top floor of my building and our offices have 15 foot high windows framing city views. Today, I was the only one who noticed it was snowing.
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