The Things I Reference

It's no wonder nobody understands what the frak I’m telling them.

“I passed this guy on my commute and I had to laugh, I mean, what’s the point dude? He’s in a Jag XK8, but he’s driving it like it’s the Pazyryk Ice Maiden!”

Spageism #7: "With a w-e-d."

I went to the beach with a friend of mine a while ago to take night pictures of the city. After many smoked bowls, when we were cold enough to warrant leaving, I picked up my tripod which was wet from dew that settled while we were talking. I realized that we also got dew on us, which contributed to our coldness so I said, "Dude, we've been dewed...with a w-e-d."

Overheard In Victoria

On the corner of Douglas & Fort Streets, a girl walking down the street while a guy walks along nearby says into her cell, "No, I'm talking to some guy I just felt up."

On the balcony of my hotel room, Dave enlightens me on bagpipe playing technique with, "You get more bag control with a rolling rate."

In the line up for drinks at Huggy's wedding reception, I misheard a question;

Sarah: "You heard my Jack Layton gossip right?"

Spage: "Your ejaculation gossip??"

Guy in line ahead of me turns around: "Clearly, this is the conversation I should be involved in.

Spageism #6

"I got to do one of my favorite English words yesterday."

"Huh?"

"An electroencephalogram!"

"Ohhhhh... you're so fucking weird."


~

Spageism #5

"all cheffed out"

Definition - Related to a civilian cooking an inventive meal that would require some amount of talent in the kitchen.

Usage - "His boss is awesome! Once a week, he cooks a feast for the staff that's been all cheffed out."

note: For emphasis, put your hands out in front of you shoulder width apart with palms down and fingers splayed, then shake them as you say 'all cheffed out' in the motion you use to demonstrate "so so" (it should look kind of like you're trilling octaves on an air piano).

Bring Me More Bacon!

"We thought about making you the summer project for the Nutrition student."

"Hey! I ate two oranges this morning! Of course, that was probably the first fruit I've eaten all year."

"You're probably not even lying."

"Well, kinda, I do eat these fruit cups almost every day I guess. I'm eating one right now actually!"

(one hour later)

"You're still eating that fruit cup??"

"Yeah, I'm just not feeling it. I think the fruit is rejecting me, it's saying, 'We don't want to go in there! You're full of grease and gravy!'"

"Ha ha! You shouldn't be saying that in front of the Nutrition student."

"Nah, I think that sitting near her means that her Nutritionistism is rubbing off on me. Through osmosis, I am getting healthier."

Gross Conversation

"Sounds like you're cooking."

"Well kinda. I'm pounding meat."

"That's a precursor to cooking."

"Yeah, totally. The dog's wondering what the hell I'm doing."

"Practicing for when you're going to pound her meat."

Both, You Say?

My mom just got back from a business trip in Portland and brought with her two chocolate bars for my brother and I. One was Extra Dark Chocolate, the other was Extra Dark Chocolate with Macadamia Nuts and Cranberries, and we were supposed to decide who got which one. I was very stoned and said, "Hey, wanna split them both and share so we both get both?" I think my cover is blown.

Botany 101

Wookiee, upon seeing a potted plant by my window, exclaimed, "Holy! Is that a spider plant that’s gone nuts?"

To which I asked, "What’s a spider plant and how does it go nuts? If you explain to me those two things, then I can tell you."

Wookiee laughed and replied, "So in other words, if I knew myself, then you could tell me the answer."

Back To Sesame Street For Me

I don't know what I was doing; writing something, entering figures into a form, something like that. I asked Wookiee how to spell a word then couldn't remember what he said. So I needed to ask him which letter came next, but what I asked was, "What's the alphabet?"

Spageism #4

Wookiee and I were talking about a mushroom that grew through the foundation and up out of the carpet in the living room at one of his old basement apartments. It looked like big lasagna noodles with red sauce in the layers. It was disgusting, but we don't actually know what kind of growth it was. A word slid into my mind that I thought it should be referred to as. I said that is was "Funger. That means; fucking angry fungus."

Protecting My Title

Yesterday one of my co-workers was telling me how she is all about putting things off. She asked if I agreed but I had to counter with, "Putting things off is my domain. I rule the Land of Procrastination with an iron fist of apathy."

Conversation With Myself #1

I'm constantly having conversations with myself. It makes me think I should become a playwright. Of course, I can never remember anything long enough to actually write it down, with some notable exceptions. I happened to be sitting at my desk with a Word document open while smoking a bowl when this one flashed through my mind. I was therefore able to type it up immediately, and now I'll share it with you oh unsuspecting reader.

“It’s better if you have to suck harder.”

“Oh yeah, why is that?”

“Because then more of the good stuff gets forced down your throat.”

“And what exactly is ‘the good stuff’?”

“All of the white stuff in the barrel.”

“Don’t you mean the chamber?”

“Sure.”


(picture is of Dave smoking my pipe up at the platform)

Spageism #3

I've been finding the Spageism posts difficult. Mostly because they are so frequent that I forget to take note of them before they vanish from memory, but also because you can't write with sounds. That said, here is a quasi-Spageism.

I always hope that every new Coke that is unveiled will taste the same as the original Coke. I saw my co-worker drinking the new Coke Zero and asked her if it tasted like the original. She enthusiastically declared it to be, and zealously encouraged me to try it soon. So I did. A couple of weeks later when somebody asked me if Coke Zero tasted like original Coke I said, "No. It's the chemical approximation of what a computer might think Coke tastes like."

Spageism #2

For a long time, Wookiee hadn't seen this blog, and until he did, I didn't want to 'ruin' any of the posts for him, so for some time I couldn't mention things that I had posted here. Of course, because of this, he would constantly (and unknowingly) mention things that I had a related post for but couldn't tell him about. In one of these instances, I made a comment about it, but of course, me being The Queen of Non Sequiturs, I left out my whole train of thought and just said, "Dude, you always say things that make me think of stuff."

Spageism #1

Since this is the first Spageism, I guess I'll do a little intro to the subject matter. I'm a person who is prone to creating words or nonsensical phrases to express myself in a unique style. These Spageisms come forth quite quickly without much conscious interference on my part. As a result of this brain expulsion, sometimes Spageisms make sense, but sometimes they make absolutely no sense and it's all classic Spage. This first posted Spageism is an example of the latter style.

Braemar is driving his truck through town and I'm sitting in the passenger seat, probably smoking a bowl. After a few minutes of driving in silence, I suddenly turn to Braemar and ask, "Was that sound?"