Recently Wookiee was telling me about one of his friend's possible new career path. Basically it seems like, we'll call him Kevin, might be able to abandon his sales position for a job that you could call his dream job. Wookiee finished the tale by saying that he and their other friend were relieved to hear about this because they were afraid that Kevin would just end up a failure. This comment irked me somehow, though I didn't know why. My instinctual response was to throw Wookiee a quizzical look, which necessitated a follow-up question to clarify what the hell me meant. He explained that they care about him, and that's why they want to see him succeed, he went on to say that he had the same fears about me. There are a number of things that come time mind following an exchange like that. I thought about how I wouldn't expect my friends to think of me as a failure just because I didn't have the same university degrees and higher order jobs as them. While I see their perception that they are committing an act of nobility because it's in the name of caring for their friend, I think of it more as flat out snobbery. They probably don't want someone who isn't a elite member of society to be associated with them, it saves them having to make excuses and explanations. Of course, I don't know what Kevin feels about his job or future job or his own definitions of success. I certainly don't think of myself as a failure, I'm incredibly proud of almost everything I've ever done, and I'm comfortable with who I am. Maybe I don't define failure in the same way, in fact, my discovery that traditional measures of success are somehow not as important to me, is one of my greatest successes. I feel as though I've accomplished an incredible amount of things. Sure, I don't have my own home, a job I can say I'm emotionally invested in, any stable relationships with any humans, or financial freedom, but these pale in comparison to my internal accomplishments. I've lived a very different life from those of the people I know locally, of course all of their experiences are unique, but they follow a more traditional path. Wookiee in particular must find it easy to find fault in others, and I blame that on his happy home life with decent parents, and a life full of positive outlooks and opportunities. I guess I shouldn't be surprised to hear about the failure assessment from Wookiee, I mean, this is coming from the same guy who told me that his girlfriends are often uneasy with the idea of me, a girl, being one of his best friends until he shows them a picture of me, after which they have no problem with me. Thanks for that blatant in your face insult masked in good humour man. When I told another friend of mine that Wookiee said this, he was horrified. I just shrugged my shoulders, I mean, what can I do about it? I long ago had to reevaluate what kind of friends I have in Vancouver right now. I had to understand that they weren't the same kind of friends that I had when I lived in Ontario, I would have put my life in their hands, I trusted them absolutely, and we were incredibly committed, loyal, and supportive to each other. I would never say the same things about my friends out here. And there's nothing wrong with that, because they're still valuable to me, just in different ways. I haven't found anyone that I can be myself with here. I just modify my behaviour to conform to what those surrounding me are looking for. Wookiee will never know the real me, because the real me wouldn't be a friend of his, she only comes out when she meets the 'right' kind of person. The difference between personas would be like, instead of laughing when Wookiee told me about his girlfriends being relieved at the sight of me, I'd have probably told him to go to hell in colourful language. I originally wanted this blog to be kept a secret from my friends for this very reason, I wanted to be able to express things that they would not approve of or understand. I presume that if I post this I'll have queries coming from a couple of people, which means, I guess, that I'll have to start a parallel second blog so as not to hurt anyone's feelings and to just be free. I don't know, this could just be my exhausted brain overreacting due to stress and lack of sleep coupled with a lack of detailed clarification of what the fuck Wookiee is implying/thinking. I don't think getting an explanation will be hard to come by, I have a feeling that when Wook next reads this, I'll get the director's cut (teacher's cut?) extended version.
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