Saturday, May 27, 2006

Spageism #5

"all cheffed out"

Definition - Related to a civilian cooking an inventive meal that would require some amount of talent in the kitchen.

Usage - "His boss is awesome! Once a week, he cooks a feast for the staff that's been all cheffed out."

note: For emphasis, put your hands out in front of you shoulder width apart with palms down and fingers splayed, then shake them as you say 'all cheffed out' in the motion you use to demonstrate "so so" (it should look kind of like you're trilling octaves on an air piano).

Thursday, May 25, 2006

Letter to Braemar #1


Happy Birthday!

Overheard At Ikea


"Look! There's some round coffee tables."

"Are they purely round? Or are they ovally round?"

-May 24, 2006 18:31

Gag Orders

Damn you Canadians. You see what happens when you vote to punish someone instead of voting for a leader that is, well, good? It seems now that our asshole Prime Minister, Dubya's Canadian cousin, has decided that he is refusing to answer questions from reporters during press conferences (article). He says he doesn't like the critical questions he gets when he makes announcements about what his government is doing. He previously tried to get things changed to the ridiculous American system where only pre-approved reporters with irrelevant softball questions would be allowed to ask the Prime Minister anything. I'm happy and proud to hear that the press gallery absolutely refused to abide by those rules. Unfortunately, Harper's reaction has been to declare that he will simply no longer hold news conferences at all and won't take anymore questions from the press. In classic Harper fashion, he's equating any criticism with that person's apparent need to act like an opposition government. Welcome to Canada Harper, you must be new here. We don't ever just blindly follow our leaders. We ask questions, we scrutinize, and we're keeping an eye on you. And you do remember that you have a minority government, right?

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

The Annie Escape

These days when you turn on the television or go to the movies you are treated to amazing feats of spymanship, escape, and cunning in adverse situations. Alias' Agent Bristow (both of them) found ingenious new ways to escape from captivity every week. On Prison Break the guy bent on breaking his brother out had an elaborate coded tattoo inked onto his body with the secrets of his plan embedded within. MI:3 just came out and I haven't seen it, but I'm sure Ethan Hunt displayed spontaneous escape ingenuity throughout. And what about Jason Bourne and his exploits? You get the idea. But I remember simpler times, like 1982, when Annie escaped from Miss Hannigan's orphanage by hiding in a big laundry hamper and was transferred into a truck that took her to an unsecured location. The nice laundry man let her out, she met Sandy the dog, and we've been singing 'Tommorrow' ever since.

Well, in reality, Annie's escape plan seems to be all you really need. You don't need cunning, strength, super intelligence, training, or compartmentalizing. A murderer serving three life sentences in a Louisiana prison escaped in April by hiding "in a large pile of repaired mailbags, which was taken to a nearby unguarded warehouse" (article). It seems the elaborate plans are simply not necessary - escape from a penitentiary just requires cribbing from Annie.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

The Brain Trust

You know, I complain a lot about people's inability to use the English language. How can I ignore the obscene desecrations I'm constantly subjected to? How often are the people who are mangling the language the same people who yelp the loudest about 'foreigners' learning to speak English. Or maybe they're the people who think that 'American' is a different language from English? Which, by the way, is one of the most frightening and appalling things I've ever heard. I was listening to some music on an online radio station where you can request songs and dedicate them to people within a small text box when the following dedication came up;
"STARKEISHA I LUV YOO. YOO NO YOU R MAH BOO.

HAY THAT'S A RYHME.

Dedicated by
STARKEESHA
Where do I even start with this? The only words that are even spelled correctly are 'I', 'YOU', 'THAT'S', and 'A'. I'm not counting 'NO' because it's supposed to be 'KNOW'.

And the glowing pride of satisfaction for the shrewdly complex rhyming of 'YOO' and 'BOO'? Well, it just gives me the warm fuzzies for a prosperous future.

School's out. Forever.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Bring Me More Bacon!

"We thought about making you the summer project for the Nutrition student."

"Hey! I ate two oranges this morning! Of course, that was probably the first fruit I've eaten all year."

"You're probably not even lying."

"Well, kinda, I do eat these fruit cups almost every day I guess. I'm eating one right now actually!"

(one hour later)

"You're still eating that fruit cup??"

"Yeah, I'm just not feeling it. I think the fruit is rejecting me, it's saying, 'We don't want to go in there! You're full of grease and gravy!'"

"Ha ha! You shouldn't be saying that in front of the Nutrition student."

"Nah, I think that sitting near her means that her Nutritionistism is rubbing off on me. Through osmosis, I am getting healthier."

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

August 8, 2004 2:05 post meridiem

What kind of world would it be if we could read each other's minds, or were always compelled to speak our minds truthfully, as naturally as taking in oxygen. As fantastic as that often seems, the very same thought terrifies me. I have the emotional and psychological protection of not knowing. Everything is possible if you never know what's going on in someone's head. The possibility. Anything is possible. It's pure fantasy and humans revel in it. We love fiction, give us what will not happen but is perfectly possible and we will fall unconditionally in love. We don't want to know the truth, we are too fragile to hear it, to bear it. We prefer the bliss of ignorance, lying to each other's faces with smiles of complacency to mask our pitiful, terrified selves. We bury who we truly are in fear. Fear that we won't be liked, our opinions ridiculed, our emotions insignificant, our feelings laughable, and our thoughts dismissed. Instead we gorge on popular culture, we squeeze ourselves into the closest mould to ourselves we can find and then we begin to systematically alter our public persona. Too often we lose sight of how all of humanity is in the same boat together, instead we have a highly evolved defense system to keep us rooted in a demographic, one step ahead of a statistic. We go beyond putting up a wall around ourselves; we mark territory, and persecute and divide all the other people we encounter on the planet. Now we've created a finely tuned ignorance machine that keeps a healthy premium on possibilities. We all want to get along but only on our own terms - it's always a possibility. This drive to conform skews our perspective and fuels our disdain for those who do not. We act out in fear of those who are not ourselves and withdraw our most honest of thoughts. The most hilarious part of the whole process is that all that's usually at stake is our egos. From being afraid of being 'wrong' or not being liked by people to engaging your country in war with another, we are all on defense, in a defiant stand for our pride. We would sooner die than risk losing the comfort that holding onto a mere possibility provides us. So it's true that we can't handle the truth. What a pathetic battle cry that is. Here we proclaim aloud "Lie to us!", obscure what may hurt us, save us from facts, dreaded truths, and realities! The opposite is what we really want but can't admit. Open communication will set us free to wander the new world of social progress. No longer will our advances in technology overshadow and outstrip those made within our humanity. The new evolution could begin, but we're barely able to open a pure dialogue with even close friends. It takes a particularly intimate bond to go almost all the way, but even then, there are limits to how much we're willing to give. I had that once with someone, we could talk about anything, ask each other anything, and were completely prepared and comfortable giving the most honest of responses. We were as close as I think two friends could be, but I couldn't tell him I loved him and how I felt when I was with him or away from him. There's always something you're not willing or able to confront with another person, and that's when we find that pesky pride and ego. We buried it deep, but it's still there. We've been hiding from ourselves, and maybe eventually we won't be afraid to truly be ourselves. Needless to say, I'm not really prepared to introduce the system in my social group. I'd rather hold onto this world a little longer than tell friends when they're boring me, ask the uncomfortable question about someone's past, or wonder aloud about my own secret thoughts. Agreeing to live in this world means agreeing to play by its rules, you'll likely find it a rather traumatic place to reside if you don't take heed. For the time being, that's a trade I'm willing to make.

Saturday, May 13, 2006

Alive And Almost Kicking

Wookiee called to tell me that I haven't posted in a long time. It's true. I've been working 12 hour days at the cubicle farm because things have just exploded there. Meanwhile I've been going through some intensive tests trying to score a plum job. The competition started with over 500 people, and now that I've made it through 3 exam screening levels, there are about 6 of us who have advanced to panel interviews. So I'm also studying up hard for that, plus I've got my first Psychopathology test on Monday night. As a result, while I have had blog thoughts stumbling about my skull, I've been too wiped to do much about it. So this one's for Wook.

While I explained to him why I hadn't posted, I flipped on a sports channel looking for the Edmonton/San Jose score (NHL playoffs for those who are unaware) and there was a Phoenix Suns game on. I never watch basketball and I've never seen Steve Nash play, but because he's Canadian I'm very aware of him and his talent. I mentioned to Wook that he did in fact look like an awesome player on the court and we discussed his recent MVP win. After we talked about the unlikelihood of a Canadian playing in the NBA, let alone being so fucking successful, Wookiee said,
"Yeah, Steve Nash...he's the Gretzky of hockey."


Who'd have ever thought I'd find pictures of Steve Nash playing hockey? Fucking crazy.

Saturday, May 06, 2006

Cuba: Art
















Friday, May 05, 2006

People In Disguise As Robots In Disguise

I stumbled across this website today about a man and his elaborate Transformers inspired costumes. He spends months designing and building them, and some of them actually do transform. Not only are they fucking cool, but you can custom order versions for yourself! Among other things, he claims that they have a fan built in for cooling comfort, are fully customizable with extra lights, sounds, and detailing, will probably win you lots of money at costume parties, and that "transformation can be made while you stay in the costume"! Best part? He's Canadian!

Random Lyric #3




Only you can satisfy this crazy science.

-Unknown

Thursday, May 04, 2006

See Dick's Duplicity

Does anyone else see the ridiculous hypocrisy in Dick Cheney scolding another country, in this case Russia, for bullying its neighbours and cracking down on its critics? I believe these techniques are practiced by your own government, Dick.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Gross Conversation

"Sounds like you're cooking."

"Well kinda. I'm pounding meat."

"That's a precursor to cooking."

"Yeah, totally. The dog's wondering what the hell I'm doing."

"Practicing for when you're going to pound her meat."

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Letter to Wookiee #5

A picture of Gisele Bundchen that I came across during my Internet travels today is displayed here for you. There's a couple more here, I like the last one where her legs mimic the camera legs. Since I saw you yesterday, there's really nothing else for me to say here. Except of course the usual about you being a coconut hating bastard.